Friday, May 18, 2007

My Email to's Bill Simmons

I know I don't usually post on Fridays, but today I was reading Bill Simmons's column on, and he started it by running the current American League East standings that show his beloved Red Sox nine-and-a-half games ahead of my beloved Yankees. And then he ran them again in bigger print.

I think Bill Simmons is a funny writer, and he sometimes makes interesting observations about sports (and sometimes writes things that make as much sense as a former crappy Texas Rangers owner running the country).

But, considering that baseball is a 162-game season with ups and downs, I thought it was very silly for him to be gloating about the Red Sox so early in the season. So, I decided to email him. And, of course, I made sure the email took on the general snarky tone of his column. It was meant as a compliment to him, even as I was kind of ripping him a new one. (Not that he gives a damn what I think or knows me from a hole in the Green Monster.)

I figured, since I don't usually write on Fridays, I might as well post the email here. Here goes:

Hi Bill.

Did you enjoy showing the A.L. East standings (twice)? In May?

Let's list all of the teams that were handed tickets to the playoffs in May: Okay, we're done.

Where were the Twins in May last year? Much in the same place as the Yanks now.

Look, I know so far the Red Sox have looked bulletproof, and the Yanks have looked old, broken down, and passionless (except for Jeter and Posada, who are just amazing). And, it won't be easy for the Yanks to catch the Sox at this point.

But, again, it's May. The season ends in October, four and a half months from now. That's enough time for Paris Hilton to serve her sentence, get out, and get busted again for doing something brainless.

Professionals (i.e., Yankee fans who have been there many times before) know the time to celebrate is October (or November, as MLB has decided ... Hey Bud, why not play 12 months a year and have the World Series in December every year?). Amateurs (i.e. Red Sox fans, who have seen fewer World Series victories than Marlins fans) celebrate in May.

I never took you for an amateur, Bill. It's sad.

Enjoy it. Because if the Red Sox blow it, payback will be a Paris Hilton (Paris Hilton and bitch are synonyms, right?).